Weight: 145 lbs. (I really need to start doing something if this happiness continues)
Drinks: Jack Honey, mmm good.
Food indulgences: hmm, none, I swear . . .
So I blogged a while ago about my changing my last name back to Gray, but I have been thinking alot about the power of the title one is given by another. I have heard many people say that a relationship is not dictated by a title. "I don't need a piece of paper to say we're married", or "I don't need a piece of paper to say i'm divorced" (psshhh) I have also heard many reasons not to post relationship status on facebook. All of which I get, really I do. However, I do believe that there is power in the title you give someone.
For example, the word wife, husband, boyfriend, boo, jump-off, side-chick, girl I see sometimes, BFF, etc all come with a certain amount of security and expectations that come along with it. Let me explain my situation and perhaps someone can shed some light on the sitchiatshun:
I'm dating a guy. He's cool. We hang. I like him alot. I like him to the point that I have not seen other people and turned down dates so I can see him. He is NOT my boyfriend. I have been advised that I should just enjoy this for what it is and not to put any expectations on him. Just let it be . . .and I"m trying really I am . . .
Last week I was going to see him. Made plans and everything. I get a text from my BFF (James Dean). I of course say no, because I would rather see Darnell (aka beau, i think that names dumb so i've made up a new alias) and also because we have made tentative plans. However, the plans fall through, I end up hanging alone, and James is now put off because this is the 2nd time i've not been open to him coming over. So I'm pissed. I have the right to be, because, come on dude we made plans and you are breaking them. And as you might expect from my dating/marital history, breaking a word is something that I HATE! but also, I am uncomfortable because we are just dating, he is not my boyfriend, and during this period I know that it should be "all good" and I should do what I can not to make a big stink about it. I mean if we can't get along now . . .
And certain family members think its absolutely wrong for me to continue to see James (even though he is super cute and the coolest dude evah) because I know its not going anywhere and I know I am relegated to "girl I see sometimes" to him. If I was Darnell's girlfriend, I wouldn't think twice about turning down James' offers. But doing so, makes me feel like I'm being dumb. Especially if Mr. fall asleep and break a date is still dating other people. Moreover, if I was Darnell's girlfriend, I would feel more comfortable giving him the full wrath of my displeasure. There is a security in the word girlfriend. We can argue and still be fine. But in my effort to make things all good, I settle for just being brief on the email and acceptance of "im sorry, I'll make it up to you". I guess i'm just afraid of letting it loose. But is that kinda like a "bait and switch"?
I mean remember what I went through with the Nigerian? One argument and he's all "I don't think we make sense together".
But I need to have at least some expectation for someone who is choosing to be in my life regardless of the title. But goodness I like him alot and I'm afraid that he will fall short of the expectations that maybe I shouldn't put on him in the first place. I guess I am not as full of faith and optimism as I thought.
And I have no idea how to continue dating other people, but moving forward with someone else. How to do that without feeling like a jezebel. In other words, a bird, in hand is worth two in the bush, but when you ain't got nobody in hand, how do you maintain a bushful of birds?
In short, I have no idea what I'm doing. And maybe thats okay...and I would like to be a girlfriend, but i'm pretty sure that will lessen my dating options. Just joking, mostly. The real question is do I want to be a girlfriend or do I want to be his girlfriend...I guess time will tell. But patience isn't my best quality
1 day ago