4 hours ago
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
She had forgotten something. It was a nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach. She couldn't quite place it. Afe placed the key in the lock, tried one more time to remember what she had forgotten, then turned the key to the left, opening up the door to her flat. There he was just as she left him this morning. He really was going to have to start pulling his wait around here. She couldn't bare to bring it up again tonight. It had been a rough day at work and the last thing she needed was an argument about him just staying on the couch all day.
"Hi, I'm home."
He didn't even look around.
"I'm home." She said it more like a sigh of defeat then a greeting. She set down her work bag and put her keys on the hook. She had been so distracted lately she seldom could find her keys on the first try in the mornings, even with the addition of this strategically placed hook.
"Yes, yes, I'm home. Are you hungry? I am going to heat up some of that veggie lasagna we ate last night."
She crossed over to him and snuggled into his large arm.
"This has to stop. We have to stop. You are. . ." he trailed off.
"I'm fine. You're fine. Why do you want to start again tonight. I just walked in the door. Can't we at least eat first."
Afe walked over to the refrigerator and put the dish into the microwave and turned it on. She noticed him slump his shoulders. She walked back over to him.
" I know, I know this is hard. I'm really willing to do my part. But you have to do yours too. I love you so much. I can't bare thinking of us a part. You have become habit, more than habit." She wrapped her thumb and pointer finger in his locs and tugged playfully. She pulled him close and kissed his near cheek. She loved the fat in them. He would swear that there was no fat in his face, but there was no denying the give that she felt anytime she patted them or kissed them. "I know it's been difficult lately. But I promise it will get better. Just give it a chance. You promised me you would try. Promises are IMPORTANT. It's your WORD. I can't have you go back on your word. It's just like lying. And we both know where that has gotten us."
Afe felt herself getting upset. She got up and went to the kitchen to pull out the lasagna. She took the knife out of the drawer. Before she cut into the lasagna, she touched the blade with her finger. Slowly she then pressed the knife onto her thigh. Flat at first, then she pivoted it ever so slightly until the blood came. She had become very good at this. It was an art really. The pain and release it brought came as quickly as she saw the blood. She put the knife in the sink, and got a towel to contain the blood that was coming faster than she expected. After using the towel Afe went to the drawer to pull out a bandage. She exhaled slowly. She felt much better. She went back to wash and dry the knife, cut two pieces of lasagna and placed them on their plates. On his portion she grabbed his special seasoning and parmesan and shook copious amounts of it. It's amazing what lengths she'd go to to keep him happy.
She took both plates over to where he was sitting. "Here," she whispered. "Let me feed you." He looked at her.
"It'll be okay. I'm fine."
The corners of his mouth turned up in a half smile. He closed his eyes and let himself be fed.
Monday, October 1, 2012
the trace of his lips. My fingertip turned holy
wanting to crawl inside him; hide there until the pain comes.
Living in the rejection. Familiar. I don’t know how acceptance feels. A strange place that.
Crawling from the tips of his toes to the top of head. Entangle my fingers in his hair. Losing myself just under his skin.
"Maybe we should stop. I don’t want to hurt your feelings"
"It’ll be okay. I’m fine"
I need this
Just to feel something
Even if it is pain
These tears aren’t for you
I’m mourning the love
I never had for myself
This is horribly delicious