Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Unrequited Love-The Set Up

She had forgotten something.  It was a nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach.  She couldn't quite place it. Afe placed the key in the lock, tried one more time to remember what she had forgotten, then turned the key to the left, opening up the door to her flat.  There he was just as she left him this morning. He really was going to have to start pulling his wait around here. She couldn't bare to bring it up again tonight.  It had been a rough day at work and the last thing she needed was an argument about him just staying on the couch all day.

"Hi, I'm home."
He didn't even look around.
"I'm home." She said it more like a sigh of defeat then a greeting. She set down her work bag and put her keys on the hook.  She had been so distracted lately she seldom could find her keys on the first try in the mornings, even with the addition of this strategically placed hook.

"Yes, yes, I'm home. Are you hungry? I am going to heat up some of that veggie lasagna we ate last night."
She crossed over to him and snuggled into his large arm.
"This has to stop. We have to stop. You are. . ." he trailed off.
"I'm fine. You're fine. Why do you want to start again tonight.  I just walked in the door.  Can't we at least eat first."
Afe walked over to the refrigerator and put the dish into the microwave and turned it on.  She noticed him slump his shoulders. She walked back over to him.
" I know, I know this is hard.  I'm really willing to do my part.  But you have to do yours too. I love you so much. I can't bare thinking of us a part. You have become habit, more than habit." She wrapped her thumb and pointer finger in his locs and tugged playfully.  She pulled him close and kissed his near cheek. She loved the fat in them.  He would swear that there was no fat in his face, but there was no denying the give that she felt anytime she patted them or kissed them.  "I know it's been difficult lately. But I promise it will get better.  Just give it a chance. You promised me you would try.  Promises are IMPORTANT. It's your WORD. I can't have you go back on your word. It's just like lying.  And we both know where that has gotten us."

Afe felt herself getting upset.  She got up and went to the kitchen to pull out the lasagna.  She took the knife out of the drawer.  Before she cut into the lasagna, she touched the blade with her finger.  Slowly she then pressed the knife onto her thigh. Flat at first, then she pivoted it ever so slightly until the blood came. She had become very good at this. It was an art really.  The pain and release it brought came as quickly as she saw the blood.  She put the knife in the sink, and got a towel to contain the blood that was coming faster than she expected.  After using the towel Afe went to the drawer to pull out a bandage.  She exhaled slowly.  She felt much better. She went back to wash and dry the knife, cut two pieces of lasagna and placed them on their plates.  On his portion she grabbed his special seasoning and  parmesan and shook copious amounts of it.  It's amazing what lengths she'd go to to keep him happy.

She took both plates over to where he was sitting.  "Here," she whispered. "Let me feed you." He looked at her.

"It'll be okay. I'm fine."

The corners of his mouth turned up in a half smile.  He closed his eyes and let himself be fed.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Unrequited Love

the trace of his lips. My fingertip turned holy
wanting to crawl inside him; hide there until the pain comes.
Living in the rejection. Familiar. I don’t know how acceptance feels. A strange place that.
Crawling from the tips of his toes to the top of head.  Entangle my fingers in his hair. Losing myself just under his skin.

"Maybe we should stop. I don’t want to hurt your feelings"
"It’ll be okay. I’m fine"

I need this
Just to feel something
Even if it is pain
These tears aren’t for you
I’m mourning the love
I never had for myself
This is horribly delicious

Monday, January 2, 2012

And Awaaaaay We go

Weight: 156 (yowzers)
Medications: prescription vitamins and vitamin D Supplement
Drinks:  Beringer Red Moscato (life changing)
Food indulgences: nothing in particular just too much of everything

Hey y'all,

Haven't blogged in a while.  Just wanted to give a bit of an overview of 2011 and a preview of 2012.

2011 was pretty darn good.  I have a great job at Capital City Public Charter School .  It's been a long time since I haven't looked for another job after 6 months of starting a new one.

I have been in two magazines both Marie Claire and Essence.

I was in one production (...and you're just not good enough) a performance piece about rejection.  I also have done stand up at Slim's Comedy Show and a couple of poetry open mics.

My boys are doing well.  Damion is taking piano lessons and is just beginning to learn to play with two hands.  He is becoming an avid reader, which I love to see.  He also is getting to be quite the procrastinator and his school work has suffered.  I know longer can leave him to his own devices in regards to homework, I have to be on him to make sure it gets done.  It's such a drag for us both.

Justice is good.  He got drums for Christmas and we have been doing lessons via youtube.  It seems like he is a natural.  Here is a video of him doing beat boxing.

He is definitely a disorganized and scattered kid, as is his mother.  I am going to focus on helping him developed good structures and habits that will help.

I have been dating pretty regularly I guess.  If someone tells you there's a shortage of black men out there, dey is a lie! I never have problems finding them, it's just a matter of finding one that I want to date more than once or twice.  I have been pretty good about separating myself from folks who don't make me feel the way I want to.  I just recently had to do that.  It's a scary thing to go it alone, but it is better than being with someone that you know isn't good for you, or isn't respecting you as he should be.  I'd say more but I'm saving it for my stand up routine (this Thursday! Jan 5th at the Red Lounge).

Which brings me to the preview of 2012.  It promises to be a blast.  Damion has first piano recital in January.  I may have something for Justice to show off his skills for the family in May at the house.  Drums aren't something that can easily travel.

I am in a new performance art piece called "Night Sweats". I play The Moss Lady, a swamp thing that feeds on passersby in the swamps of Florida.  I just had my first read through tonight. It is going to be so horrifying and beautiful.  Here take a look see at the production group the EMP Collective and to find out more about the production.  Click here.

I'm going to continue to do stand-up at least monthly. It's the most difficult, scary, yet exhilarating thing ever.  It's not something I'm innately good at, so I am pushing myself through the fear and mediocrity to make myself better.

I am also applying for the principalship of my school.  We'll see how that goes.  I know I am ready for it, and have learned how to balance my school life and artistic life.  So here goes nothing and everything at once!

Writing wise, I will post here every now and again.  I am going to work on a script.  I am going to start January 15th.  I think I am more visual and the story I've been trying to write will translate better on the stage.  It might be a one woman show, i'm not sure yet.  I will continue to post here intermittently.  I am also going to do a 365 photography project.  My friend Laura did it and I think it was wonderful. It will encourage me to write a bit everyday and take time to take in my surroundings.  I'll probably do it through tumblr.  I will link it when the site is up.

thanks for listening. I'm off to bed as I need to start up my exercise regimen again.  Gotta get below 150. Man listen, my thighs have gotten right indignant and are just growin' all willy nilly.

see yall in person or on the internets.