Monday, July 20, 2009

What a difference a year makes

Last year away on business, I fell out of the shower and bruised my ribs and spleen.

This year away on business, I burned my hand on the iron.

Last year I ignored my pain for a while and ended up in the emergency room, and had a bruise that eventually faded, at least on the outside.

This year I ran water over my hand and it barely left a mark.

I have learned that I know how to take care of myself.

While I was away last year, my dad's kidney functions got low enough for him to start dialysis. His kidney failure was causing heart failure which landed him in the hospital. Last year I was terrified of losing him.

While I was away last year FL lost his mother. She had been sick a long time, then she died. I was sad for him. I worried about him. I was afraid for myself.

This year my dad goes to dialysis 3 times a week. After a rough start, he has responded well to it. He looks better, has gained much of his weight back. This year I'm still afraid of losing him. This year I treasure the moments I have with him. Even when he's cranky.

This year FL has spent without his mother. This year he has tried to be the one to handle the problems with his siblings. This year I haven't spoken to him much. So this year I'm not sure where he's at.

I've learned alot in a year. Things have moved and grown and stayed the same. I feel very different. Less vulnerable, more in control. I'm more satisfied with me and less desire to control and be satisfied by others.

I am much happier being who I am and letting others be who they are and leaving the rest to inclination.

Sojourner, Sojourner

4:19 am: Driving to drop the boys off. They're dozing in the back. Shoeless, wearing the same clothes they slept in. I wanted to disturb their sleep as little as possible. Not sure why he is making me do this. He's so frustrating sometimes. I wonder if he'll even be there

4:50 am: The lights are on in the house. I"m carrying the littlest boy up to the front door. It opens and my mother-in-law ushers them inside. "Just lay donw there. We're going somewhere." I bring their suitcases into the house and set them down in the foyer. "We have for them here," she says. "They don't need that."

"They'll be here for a whole week, you don't need anything?"

" No, we have for them here."

"Not even their shoes?"

She looked down at their bare feet.

"Yes, their shoes."

"They're in the bag." I bend over to unzip the bag. I pull the shoes out.

"So you don't want the bags at all?"


"I sure wish someone had told me that before I packed them," I mumble.

4:56 am: I walk back to the car. She runs out to ask about Justice's medication. I reach into the glove box, pull out a bottle. Shake it to be sure its not empty. Finding some left, I hand it to her.

"And this is for . . .?"

"For his wheezing, sneezing, and itching. Just give it to him daily especially if he will be outside a lot."

I roll up the window and drive onto the airport.

5:57 am: Hop in the airport shuttle from Economy Parking to the terminal. My early flight kept anyone from dropping me off. And I'm here extra early becasue I had to drop the kids off before 5 am. He wasn't even there to meet them. I wonder if he'll see them at all this week.

6:43 am: Through security. Eating a $7.50 panini. Should've stopped at McDonalds. For $7.50 it should talk and dance and tell my fortune.

7:46 am: other folks from my school start to arrive. Chatting with the H.O.S. (Head of School). She is really laid back and open. I'm feeling better about this job. Looking forward to getting into Charleston and relax a bit. H.O.S says she thinks there is a pool there. . .

2:36 pm: H.O.S and I relaxing by the pool in Charleston. The rooms aren't ready yet. We got lunch. $10 bucks with tax. The south is really good on a sister's budget. When my room's ready, gonna lay in the bed and watch TV. We're meeting later for dinner. I wonder where I could get some flip flops . . .

Monday, July 6, 2009

Climbing Out of the Bell Jar

133.8 lbs
fab chinolatino wontons (made from scratch! yay me)
grown up lemonade
completely med free

So I've gained and kept about 10 pounds. I'm very happy. My clothes fit better and I'm so pleased with how my body is shaping up. It leads me to wonder, why now? My hypothesis for my weight Loss has always been my anxiety and my elevated heart rate (SVT check it out on wikipedia). So I thought that being on meds would help me gain weight, it didn't. I've been off for about a month and after a couple of bad panic attacks, I've been symptom free. I'm learning how my body feels when I'm getting so amped up. I think the absence of the weird, anxious behaviors that the meds got rid of, made me vigilant and more aware that they exist. So I'm grateful for that.

So off meds and life has been as stressful as ever. Being out of work for a month has caught up with me. I'm a month behind in rent. I just started getting paid from my new job. I have to make a payment plan with my landlord to get up to date. So stress and no meds yet I've never looked healthier, odd.

I think I'm learning to take things as the come and discovering that bad things, inconvenient things, scary things . . .

I wrote the above while I was waiting for a training to start at work. I had to leave to go to housing court and the following writing was done describing what happened on my way back.

I kept running the numbers and dates in my head and wondering if my landlord would accept my terms for payment in getting caught back up. Over and over the numbers and dates: $1330 behind, $1630, $1630, then $930. July 15th, July 30th, August 15th. As I kept repeating the numbers and anticipating how the conversation will go, my heart started to beat fast. I knew what was coming. My eyes started to go dark. I inch my car to the shoulder of the road and pressed down on the break. by the time my foot had pressed completely down, everything was dark. It lasted a couple of seconds I could see again. I kept driving and went on to work.

This past weekend I went to my parents house and weighed myself. 131.7

I refuse to go back on medication. I need to learn how to control these feelings in the moment or at least wait to perseverate on the bullshit until I park my car. This is going to be a process . . .