Justice is four years old today

Justice's birthday is today. He is four years old. He is different than his brother. The story of how he came to be is also very different. I tried to get pregnant for two years straight. I got pregnant so quickly with DJ; I was shcoked that I didn't get pregnant as quickly. Every month I got my period, I would cry and cry and cry. It was like my dearest love was leaving me stranded day after day month after month. I was so impatient for him to come. I felt so alone and so empty.

We had just moved back to Bowie. Damion put in these really strong smelling plug-in air freshners. The smell was sickeningly sweet. So much so I actually got sick. I was sick for a few days. So much so I took a day off from my new job. On a whim, I took a pregnancy test. Finally after two years and three months I was pregnant. The ironic part of it is I had just gone to the ob-gyn to get more birth control pills because I was tired of having cramps and being disappointed every month. I also sensed that my marriage was not going to be resucitated by having another child. Well when you least expect it . . .

I had an awful fight with Damion when I was 8 months pregnant. He broke things. I had to run from him. I cried so hard capillaries burst in my face. It looked like I was covered in freckles . . .a black Peppermint Patty. More than ever I became impatient with waiting for Justice. I so wanted to meet him. Also he was getting awfully heavy and I looked like I was pregnant in my ass more than anything else . . .Anyway, I began to dilate early. I was having productive contractions but it was too early. The doctor told me to stay off my feet to slow things down. The problem was I had just started a new job and really couldn't afford to go on complete bed rest. So I went to work but stayed seated. It was a blast rolling down the hallway in my awesome rolling chair.

My doctor finally broke my water at 38 weeks. The birth was pretty straight forward. A few pushes and out he came. a little over 7 pounds. Justice and I met a little after midnight. He started breastfeeding right away and did so most of the night...greedy bugger.

Justice has been a different challenge than DJ was. While DJ was a healthy baby, Justice had frequent colds, fevers and ear infections. He lost hearing for a period of time before he got the tubes put in which delayed his speech a bit. Justice looks like me but has a temper like his father. So strongwilled. DJ is a mama's boy, but Justice is a fiercely independent kid who gravitates towards his father. I feel like I just got to understand him over the past year. He has developed quite the personality. He loves his brother so much. He repeats everything he says. Once DJ got punished for something and was crying. Then Justice began crying. I said, "Hey what's wrong. Why are YOU crying?" Without missing a beat he said, "because DJ is my very best friend."

Justice loves bread, ravioli, chicken nuggets, and pizza. He loves Mario Bros. He plays Luigi and loves to wear denim overalls. Justice is enamored with his mommy. He loves to play in my dreds and make them cover his face. Justice is naughty. He currently loves to say "poo poo" and "pee pee" and thinks its hilarious. Justice makes up knock-knock jokes. They are not funny. He has a rich imagination and prefers playing with his brother or by himself happily. Justice loves music. He loves Regina Carter's Pavane. He loves jazz. He makes up nonsense words to wordless saxophone compositions. He said that sometimes the music sounds so sad. He also loves soca and likes to shake his "bumpa" to the music. If you say whine down low, he will reply, "whine down so". When Justice speaks he has an accent I can't quite place...

Justice is my baby. My independent, naughty, musical, genius baby. He is brilliant. He knows al his letters and his numbers. But it is more important to me that he knows that his brother is his very best friend, that music sometimes sounds sad, and fun is still fun if there is only one. Justice is my strong, loud complement to the older, pacifist funny man. I waited for Justice for 2 years. He is four years old today.

When the dark purple falls. . .

124.5
20mg Lexapro (up from 10mg)
Shrimp Scamp
2 grown half and halfs (sweet tea vodka/lemonade)

My weight had gone up to 128.5. I was excited until I weighed myself again and it was gone. Must have been the monthly bloat.

Now that I'm coming out of my anxiety ridden/depressive fog, I realize that I am super behind at work and have no real prospects for a job next year. There are major cut backs at work and I don't think my performance as sped guru has warranted staying here in that capapcity. Moreover, I promised myself to find a job which highlights my strengths. I have a few leads but nothing solid, which makes me uneasy.

My divorce court date is May 12th. After that, I will be an official free woman. Mixed emotions... Now that it is finally here it has made me nostalgic about my past, and makes me realize this isn't at all how I pictured my life to turn out. 36, 2 children, no property, pushing a 96 Lincoln. But I am at least hopeful that what I do have, I can maintain BY MYSELF. I am anxious about his behavior at court. I hope he doesn't cry or anything . . .

I am dating again. I tried to relegate the dude to just the physical but he persists. I realize that I am afraid to let it be anymore than that because I am trying to avoid rejection. For someone as confident as I am, I am discovering parts of me that are still so insecure and damaged from my marriage, my past relationships, and general kicks in the shins that life sometimes hands out.

Last night I was feeling pretty low. Job mainly, but also some memories I had been trying to fight back. I reached for my phone to text someone. (That's my M.O. reaching out so I don't have to spend time with sadness). But I decided not to. "No one is thinking of me," I thought. "I'm not going to bother anybody." I put the phone down, turned on my side, and began to cry. Just a little. "No one is thinking of me," more tears came down. The phone buzzed. A text.

"Whats on your mind"
"Alot"
"I could tell by fb status, tweets. . ."
"thats what I do. Hesitant to talk but will put out a fb status or tweet in a minute"
"We'll talk soon"
"Thank you for thinking of me"
"Always do . . ."

I still cried last night. But I felt better to be thought of. But the thought I will begin to depend on such communciation scares me. The prospects of learning to open myself up to someone else again scares me even more. I know it is necessary to move on and even if he's not the one to open up to, I have to be brave. Be brave enough to heal . . .

Be brave little girl . . .

The Attack

128.5 lbs
Firefly Sweet tea Vodka
burger king (boo)

I had an anxiety attack today. Funny it happened just moments after I decided not to get my prescription refilled. I guess I'll get it filled tomorrow.

Driving home from Target. Now that I am far from work I'm getting home an hour later than I'm used to. Today I stopped at target for some things, then the liquor store (where I found firefly) and then at burger king for dinner (chik fil a line was to darn long). Justice was screaming, DJ was yelling at Justice, Justice not in his seat belt. I kept yelling at him to sit back and put his seat belt back on. He kept yelling for more french fries...The rain and me trying to hurry home. Thinking about the dog and DJ's homework that still wasn't done. Then it happened the boom boom boom. It started the palpitations, the dizziness, the awful sinking feeling...

A bit scary happening while I was driving. It was gone in less than 10 minutes. I took my last lexapro in the sample pack that he had given me to tide me over till i filled the prescription. I'm disappointed that I will need to take medication for this. I don't like feeling that I am not in control of my own behavior. Disappointing . . .

My anxiety attacks feel like thishttp://www.facebook.com/note.php?created&&suggest&note_id=85876390916

finally

no food indulgences
124 lbs.
pear vodka cranberry

It didn't happen when I moved.
It didn't happen when I lugged the furniture in the flat basket at Ikea
Not when a stranger helped me tie the new furniture to the car and had to lug it in all by myself and pulled my back out. Not when i thought about putting together all this crap by myself.
Not when I came home to a disaster area because the dog had gotten out of his crate and strewn trash all over the new apartment.

When I watched Clean House, The messiest home in the country #2, thats when it happened.

The tears came.

2 summers ago. when i was a not so happily married woman. We took the kids to Ocean City, our annual trip. We stayed at a pretty nice resort. We watched The messiest home in the country # 1. Seeing the second show, triggered the memories. Us as a family, us spending time together. Us. The Codringtons. Mother, Father, children.

We are not that anymore, and I miss it. The family part. What I always wanted. what I grew up with. I don't have that anymore. I miss it and it makes me sad.

tears. never cried over the lack of him. I still am not missing him in particular. I'm missing family. the tears are ok. they are important. Important that I am feeling this right now, because I tend to get over involved with the nonsense and the faux drama of the world. This thing that I'm feeling now, this pulling at my chest and downturn of my mouth, this is important and I don't mind feeling it. I've never really mourned . . .

Starting over is a bitch

1 pear vodka cranberry
6 pieces of stewed chicken, Mcdonalds breakfast and dinner
123 pounds (keeping track-Goal weight 140)
1 anxiety attack since last post

So this is my like 3rd time starting over, and it never gets any easier

One of the major issues since leaving my old man was that he would use things that I needed as leverage for taking him back.

I hadn't asked him for anything except to continue paying for my car. The only trouble with that is that everytime i would turn down his ridiculous request to get back together, he would threaten to take back the car. Once he did, came and took the car. He brought it back, but it was a sketchy 8 hours.

So, I had to move out of my 2nd start over house since the mice clearly believed I was encroaching on their territory. Now I am in Laurel. Yeah, i know. So far. I know I won't get any "unexpected drop ins". So sad. not sexy at all.

Moreover, since the car had died, the husband refused to pay to get it fix (or couldn't). He also used this as leverage and drove me back in forth to work for 2 weeks. Then the conversation about why I won't take him back. Then after I refused him, the refusals to give even my mood a lift.

So I did the grown up thing and moved into the cheapest, but nicest, place I could find. I am saving 700 bucks a month. My father sold me his big ole Lincoln town car. It too is unsexy, but I am making the most of it. Yes, being mature can be unsexy. But I finally feel free. I don't need anything of him. I can do for myself.

So starting over is a bitch, but at least I have an extra 700 bucks to buy a couch, a drink every now and again, and possibly some cute shoes.

Reacquaintace

1 screwdriver
8 shrimp wontons
shrimp scampi w/pasta
several oatmeal chocolate chip cookies

The Standards and Stems blog is gone. It was a really good one. Telling tales of a newer teachers experience in a public charter school in the city. I think his admin found out about it. Made them look kind of foolish. Anyway, its gone. Its a shame. It was really good. I think the blogger should continue to write, but this time don't put the link on your public facebook page for the world (including your students) to see it. DUH!

So its almost 4 am and I am awake. Insomnia is back with a vengeance. blah. Anyway I have alot to do. My dad sold me his car. I have to get insurance for it and register it before he will allow me to drive it. I also have to begin packing. oh joy. The worst things ever.

A lot to accomplish. Maybe thats why the insomnia. I also have a rash on both legs. Very itchy. Not sure what that is from...but all that scratchin is making me itch. or vice versa

One thing I like about the insomnia. I like hearing the boys sleep. Every now and again one of them will chuckle. I LOVE knowing that they have funny dreams. Thats important to me.

Also the Handy Manny truck in the kids room keeps going off. I keep hearing, "lets fix the spark plugs" "you fixed the spark plugs" or the voice of Wilmer Valderamma singing, "Trabajamos juntos!" Ugh. Either it has a short or one of my furry pests has gotten into the thing and is trying to take a spin.

Laurel and the Broken Lease

no food indulgences
2 lemonades with a vodka twist
0 Lexapros

I went to see the apartment in Laurel yesterday. Getting there was a huge production. I spent the night over my sister's. She was going to drop the kids off then take me to Laurel then on her way to work drop me at my interview.

I think I should be clear that I love my sister and she does lovely things for me.

She is also a control freak maniac. She woke up late and was rushing around like crazy person. I suggested dropping the kids off at their father's first since it is on the way to Bowie. She screamed, "Hannah has to go to school!" As if I was suggesting that Hannah be late. So I left it alone. While she is driving she is doing all sorts of things. Checking email on her blackberry, putting on makeup, she was paying very little attention the the road. At one point she took her foot off the brake at a red light and almost rear ended a deer park water truck. I took a sharp intake of breath. She looked up and slammed on the brakes. She looked at me and screamed at the top of her lungs, "WHATS WRONG WITH YOU!" How her almost slamming into a truck is my fault, I have no idea. But that is Holly. And she wonders why I just won't move in with her instead of moving to Laurel. Yeah chica exhibit one: your crazy screaming fits. I spent 9 years getting yelled at, I kinda want to avoid the rage freaks from now on.

Anyway, I saw the apartment. Its very nice. bottom floor which will help when I have to walk the dog. Maybe he can get like those dogs on tv that scratch the door when they have to go to the bathroom. Here's hoping...

Went to my job interview. It went really well. They have interviews the week of the 30th and I think will probably contact me either way after that. I really want this job now. They are building a separate middle school. I would be the queen of my own castle. It seems like a great team of folks with a building full of light. The best thing is that what they need is what I am best at. So I'm pretty sure that 70% of my time will be devoted to my strengths.

After my interview, I went back to work. It kind of felt wack being in that building after being with such positivity for 3 hours...Well must make it through this school year and decide from there.

I'm doing good on the College Hoops. I am just one game out. Looking forward to the second round. That will be when the men from the boys will be separated. Ha! Okay, gotta make a game plan about packing up and moving out.

peace out. hopefully will have something much juicier to blog about next time.