Climbing Out of the Bell Jar

133.8 lbs
fab chinolatino wontons (made from scratch! yay me)
grown up lemonade
completely med free

So I've gained and kept about 10 pounds. I'm very happy. My clothes fit better and I'm so pleased with how my body is shaping up. It leads me to wonder, why now? My hypothesis for my weight Loss has always been my anxiety and my elevated heart rate (SVT check it out on wikipedia). So I thought that being on meds would help me gain weight, it didn't. I've been off for about a month and after a couple of bad panic attacks, I've been symptom free. I'm learning how my body feels when I'm getting so amped up. I think the absence of the weird, anxious behaviors that the meds got rid of, made me vigilant and more aware that they exist. So I'm grateful for that.

So off meds and life has been as stressful as ever. Being out of work for a month has caught up with me. I'm a month behind in rent. I just started getting paid from my new job. I have to make a payment plan with my landlord to get up to date. So stress and no meds yet I've never looked healthier, odd.

I think I'm learning to take things as the come and discovering that bad things, inconvenient things, scary things . . .

I wrote the above while I was waiting for a training to start at work. I had to leave to go to housing court and the following writing was done describing what happened on my way back.

I kept running the numbers and dates in my head and wondering if my landlord would accept my terms for payment in getting caught back up. Over and over the numbers and dates: $1330 behind, $1630, $1630, then $930. July 15th, July 30th, August 15th. As I kept repeating the numbers and anticipating how the conversation will go, my heart started to beat fast. I knew what was coming. My eyes started to go dark. I inch my car to the shoulder of the road and pressed down on the break. by the time my foot had pressed completely down, everything was dark. It lasted a couple of seconds I could see again. I kept driving and went on to work.

This past weekend I went to my parents house and weighed myself. 131.7

I refuse to go back on medication. I need to learn how to control these feelings in the moment or at least wait to perseverate on the bullshit until I park my car. This is going to be a process . . .

Starting over is a bitch

1 pear vodka cranberry
6 pieces of stewed chicken, Mcdonalds breakfast and dinner
123 pounds (keeping track-Goal weight 140)
1 anxiety attack since last post

So this is my like 3rd time starting over, and it never gets any easier

One of the major issues since leaving my old man was that he would use things that I needed as leverage for taking him back.

I hadn't asked him for anything except to continue paying for my car. The only trouble with that is that everytime i would turn down his ridiculous request to get back together, he would threaten to take back the car. Once he did, came and took the car. He brought it back, but it was a sketchy 8 hours.

So, I had to move out of my 2nd start over house since the mice clearly believed I was encroaching on their territory. Now I am in Laurel. Yeah, i know. So far. I know I won't get any "unexpected drop ins". So sad. not sexy at all.

Moreover, since the car had died, the husband refused to pay to get it fix (or couldn't). He also used this as leverage and drove me back in forth to work for 2 weeks. Then the conversation about why I won't take him back. Then after I refused him, the refusals to give even my mood a lift.

So I did the grown up thing and moved into the cheapest, but nicest, place I could find. I am saving 700 bucks a month. My father sold me his big ole Lincoln town car. It too is unsexy, but I am making the most of it. Yes, being mature can be unsexy. But I finally feel free. I don't need anything of him. I can do for myself.

So starting over is a bitch, but at least I have an extra 700 bucks to buy a couch, a drink every now and again, and possibly some cute shoes.