On Divorce and Dating

So she told me, “he just got divorced and is dating…heavily.” 

My sister says that probably means he has the “herps”. (yes, I spelled it like she said it).  But I know the deal.  When you get divorced you feel like you must date the whole world to confirm you are not a failure.  See look how attractive I am, people think I’m fun, people want to have sex with me.  So I decided I would let him alone. Well mostly. I am a flirter so, yeah.  We had an awkward conversation once at a party. I couldn’t shake the words, “he probably has the herps.” out of my mind.  Thanks alot darling sister…

When I dated the other and he ran for the 2nd time, I realized this “herps” is a real thing.  This I am super scared and I’m gonna date and sex myself whole again.  I’m gonna protect my feelings at all cost just in case this one means to burn my feelings already turned raw. I will protect myself from you at all cost.  Wrap myself in insecurity and dare you to try to love me through it.  This is my new definition of the herps.  

And as falsely brave you are it just keeps coming back.  It comes back because you want it to.  Because it is important.  Sometimes you need yourself protected.  You don’t want the heaviness that “relationships” or “caring” brings. Sometimes you just aren’t strong enough or ready enough.

Sometimes you want them to get so wrapped up in your perfectly shaped ass that they don’t go around looking for your heart.  (and by “you” I mean of course “me”) Which is just crazy talk, because what perfectly sane, perfectly whole person doesn’t want someone to search for their heart?

It just keeps coming back

It just keeps coming back until one day it doesn’t.   The one day when you find yourself looking for someone’s heart so intensely that you forget to stop hiding yours.  That’s when you’re free

Lessons from the Red Sea

Excerpt from Exodus, chap. 14/ My poem in response



As Pharaoh approached, the people of Israel looked up and panicked when they saw the Egyptians overtaking them. They cried out to the Lord, 11 and they said to Moses, “Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren’t there enough graves for us in Egypt? What have you done to us? Why did you make us leave Egypt? 12 Didn’t we tell you this would happen while we were still in Egypt? We said, ‘Leave us alone! Let us be slaves to the Egyptians. It’s better to be a slave in Egypt than a corpse in the wilderness!’”

13 But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. 14 The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm

26 When all the Israelites had reached the other side, the Lord said to Moses, “Raise your hand over the sea again. Then the waters will rush back and cover the Egyptians and their chariots and charioteers.” 27 So as the sun began to rise, Moses raised his hand over the sea, and the water rushed back into its usual place. The Egyptians tried to escape, but the Lord swept them into the sea. 28 Then the waters returned and covered all the chariots and charioteers—the entire army of Pharaoh. Of all the Egyptians who had chased the Israelites into the sea, not a single one survived.

29 But the people of Israel had walked through the middle of the sea on dry ground, as the water stood up like a wall on both sides. 30 That is how the Lord rescued Israel from the hand of the Egyptians that day. And the Israelites saw the bodies of the Egyptians washed up on the seashore. 31 When the people of Israel saw the mighty power that the Lord had unleashed against the Egyptians, they were filled with awe before him. They put their faith in the Lord and in his servant Moses.

Sometimes your enemies are in front of you
Sometimes they are chasing you from behind
It’s best to keep moving
Because fear will grip you
Into paralysis

I keep forgetting I am chosen

Making sure I am alone
So my loneliness isn’t a surprise
Pushing people away
So I won’t miss them later
Because I know I’m not enough
Not pretty enough
Not comfortable enough
Not me enough
To make anyone happy

But once I remembered
That I am never alone
That I’m always enough
That I have nothing to fear
My joy came back
My courage came back
Even my dog came back
All these lessons I’m learning
Lessons from the red sea
Sankofa’s gift
To me

Trouble

This man is going be trouble
I do not want any trouble
I do not love him
I'm not sure I like him
But I can tell
That he will be, could just be,
This man might mean trouble
For me

He was in my house
in my space
in my bed
between my legs
and then I thought
about the next time
Thats when I knew that he meant trouble
Big trouble for me

I do not love him
I barely like him
But I can tell

He was at my table
talking to me
laughing with me
drinking with me
asking me about me
But I won't tell him
"What you see is what you get"
I told him
Because I could see
that he was trying to make trouble
more trouble for me

I do not love him
I like him just a little
We are just friends
But I can tell
that trouble, scary trouble
is on the way

I want him to come again
eat maybe
drink probably
talk definitely
provide distractions: a movie? perhaps
But just that I am planning a next time
Proves that this man
means nothing but trouble
for me

I miss his face
I look forward to his words
And have become dependent on his company
And I don't even like him
Yes, I'm in trouble
Deep, deep trouble
He is causing all sorts of trouble
for me.