And Awaaaaay We go

Weight: 156 (yowzers)
Medications: prescription vitamins and vitamin D Supplement
Drinks:  Beringer Red Moscato (life changing)
Food indulgences: nothing in particular just too much of everything

Hey y'all,

Haven't blogged in a while.  Just wanted to give a bit of an overview of 2011 and a preview of 2012.

2011 was pretty darn good.  I have a great job at Capital City Public Charter School .  It's been a long time since I haven't looked for another job after 6 months of starting a new one.

I have been in two magazines both Marie Claire and Essence.

I was in one production (...and you're just not good enough) a performance piece about rejection.  I also have done stand up at Slim's Comedy Show and a couple of poetry open mics.

My boys are doing well.  Damion is taking piano lessons and is just beginning to learn to play with two hands.  He is becoming an avid reader, which I love to see.  He also is getting to be quite the procrastinator and his school work has suffered.  I know longer can leave him to his own devices in regards to homework, I have to be on him to make sure it gets done.  It's such a drag for us both.

Justice is good.  He got drums for Christmas and we have been doing lessons via youtube.  It seems like he is a natural.  Here is a video of him doing beat boxing.

He is definitely a disorganized and scattered kid, as is his mother.  I am going to focus on helping him developed good structures and habits that will help.

I have been dating pretty regularly I guess.  If someone tells you there's a shortage of black men out there, dey is a lie! I never have problems finding them, it's just a matter of finding one that I want to date more than once or twice.  I have been pretty good about separating myself from folks who don't make me feel the way I want to.  I just recently had to do that.  It's a scary thing to go it alone, but it is better than being with someone that you know isn't good for you, or isn't respecting you as he should be.  I'd say more but I'm saving it for my stand up routine (this Thursday! Jan 5th at the Red Lounge).

Which brings me to the preview of 2012.  It promises to be a blast.  Damion has first piano recital in January.  I may have something for Justice to show off his skills for the family in May at the house.  Drums aren't something that can easily travel.

I am in a new performance art piece called "Night Sweats". I play The Moss Lady, a swamp thing that feeds on passersby in the swamps of Florida.  I just had my first read through tonight. It is going to be so horrifying and beautiful.  Here take a look see at the production group the EMP Collective and to find out more about the production.  Click here.

I'm going to continue to do stand-up at least monthly. It's the most difficult, scary, yet exhilarating thing ever.  It's not something I'm innately good at, so I am pushing myself through the fear and mediocrity to make myself better.

I am also applying for the principalship of my school.  We'll see how that goes.  I know I am ready for it, and have learned how to balance my school life and artistic life.  So here goes nothing and everything at once!

Writing wise, I will post here every now and again.  I am going to work on a script.  I am going to start January 15th.  I think I am more visual and the story I've been trying to write will translate better on the stage.  It might be a one woman show, i'm not sure yet.  I will continue to post here intermittently.  I am also going to do a 365 photography project.  My friend Laura did it and I think it was wonderful. It will encourage me to write a bit everyday and take time to take in my surroundings.  I'll probably do it through tumblr.  I will link it when the site is up.

thanks for listening. I'm off to bed as I need to start up my exercise regimen again.  Gotta get below 150. Man listen, my thighs have gotten right indignant and are just growin' all willy nilly.

see yall in person or on the internets.

On Divorce and Dating

So she told me, “he just got divorced and is dating…heavily.” 

My sister says that probably means he has the “herps”. (yes, I spelled it like she said it).  But I know the deal.  When you get divorced you feel like you must date the whole world to confirm you are not a failure.  See look how attractive I am, people think I’m fun, people want to have sex with me.  So I decided I would let him alone. Well mostly. I am a flirter so, yeah.  We had an awkward conversation once at a party. I couldn’t shake the words, “he probably has the herps.” out of my mind.  Thanks alot darling sister…

When I dated the other and he ran for the 2nd time, I realized this “herps” is a real thing.  This I am super scared and I’m gonna date and sex myself whole again.  I’m gonna protect my feelings at all cost just in case this one means to burn my feelings already turned raw. I will protect myself from you at all cost.  Wrap myself in insecurity and dare you to try to love me through it.  This is my new definition of the herps.  

And as falsely brave you are it just keeps coming back.  It comes back because you want it to.  Because it is important.  Sometimes you need yourself protected.  You don’t want the heaviness that “relationships” or “caring” brings. Sometimes you just aren’t strong enough or ready enough.

Sometimes you want them to get so wrapped up in your perfectly shaped ass that they don’t go around looking for your heart.  (and by “you” I mean of course “me”) Which is just crazy talk, because what perfectly sane, perfectly whole person doesn’t want someone to search for their heart?

It just keeps coming back

It just keeps coming back until one day it doesn’t.   The one day when you find yourself looking for someone’s heart so intensely that you forget to stop hiding yours.  That’s when you’re free

Early Morning Daydream

Arriving at Penn Station after a lovely train ride to Manhattan. I grab my vintage pink suitcase and look around to see if I see your face.  Not seeing any recognizable smiles, I head upstairs and out the doors, taking care not to use the revolving door because they scare me.  I set down my suitcase and sit on it to people watch and do my best Audrey Hepburn impression.

Finally, I see you rushing through the crowds of slow moving tourists and fast-moving city-dwellers.  You reach me and take my hand and give me a huge hug as you apologize for being late. We hail a cab that takes me, you, and my suitcase to Harlem.  The streets are awfully wide and I try not to look very small town and I look at all the buildings rush by.  I tell you they remind me of the fronts of the buildings I recognize from the Cosby Show.  You laugh and tell me I watch too much TV.

We reach your apartment and you take my suitcase to the back room.  I go to the bathroom to freshen up, which means I wash my hands and face, reapply my lip gloss and perfume, and shuzsh my hair.  

When I emerge from the bathroom you take my hand and give me another big hug.  You ask if I’m hungry and I look at you crazily because you know very well that I am always hungry.  We grasp hands and walk together down to the street. We go about five blocks as we talk about whats new and my train ride and about your morning and afternoon.  We reach a restaurant that you promise has delicious food. We sit down, order and short time after begin to eat.  I am relieved that you were right. You know how bad food makes me angry.

We finish our food, pay the check and go back out onto the street. By this time it is dark.  Strolling through the city you suggest we go to one of your favorite bars.  It is a dive bar with good strong drinks and a very “urban” atmosphere.  I chuckle at your use of the word “urban”.

We get to the bar and sit down on deceptively comfy barstools. I order a Jack Honey neat, and you order some beer I’ve never heard of.  We begin to drink and talk.  We tell stories about each of our worlds, some funny and some tragic. This talking is easy, which scares me and delights me all at the same time.  I want to know everything about you…

Before we know it, last call is called.  We head back out and walk back to your apartment, laughing and talking and still holding hands.  

A bird in hand can get pretty messy Or If I was your girlfriend

Weight: 145 lbs. (I really need to start doing something if this happiness continues)
Drinks:  Jack Honey, mmm good.
Food indulgences:  hmm, none, I swear . . .
Meds: none

So I blogged a while ago about my changing my last name back to Gray, but I have been thinking alot about the power of the title one is given by another.  I have heard many people say that a relationship is not dictated by a title.  "I don't need a piece of paper to say we're married", or "I don't need a piece of paper to say i'm divorced" (psshhh)  I have also heard many reasons not to post relationship status on facebook.  All of which I get, really I do.  However, I do believe that there is power in the title you give someone.

For example, the word wife, husband, boyfriend, boo, jump-off, side-chick, girl I see sometimes, BFF, etc all come with a certain amount of security and expectations that come along with it.  Let me explain my situation and perhaps someone can shed some light on the sitchiatshun:

I'm dating a guy.  He's cool. We hang. I like him alot.  I like him to the point that I have not seen other people and turned down dates so I can see him.  He is NOT my boyfriend.  I have been advised that I should just enjoy this for what it is and not to put any expectations on him.  Just let it be . . .and I"m trying really I am . . .

Last week I was going to see him.  Made plans and everything.  I get a text from my BFF (James Dean).  I of course say no, because I would rather see Darnell (aka beau, i think that names dumb so i've made up a new alias) and also because we have made tentative plans.  However, the plans fall through, I end up hanging alone, and James is now put off because this is the 2nd time i've not been open to him coming over.  So I'm pissed.  I have the right to be, because, come on dude we made plans and you are breaking them.  And as you might expect from my dating/marital history, breaking a word is something that I HATE!  but also, I am uncomfortable because we are just dating, he is not my boyfriend, and during this period I know that it should be "all good" and I should do what I can not to make a big stink about it.  I mean if we can't get along now . . .

And certain family members think its absolutely wrong for me to continue to see James (even though he is super cute and the coolest dude evah) because I know its not going anywhere and I know I am relegated to "girl I see sometimes" to him.  If I was Darnell's girlfriend, I wouldn't think twice about turning down James' offers.  But doing so, makes me feel like I'm being dumb.  Especially if Mr. fall asleep and break a date is still dating other people.  Moreover, if I was Darnell's girlfriend, I would feel more comfortable giving him the full wrath of my displeasure.  There is a security in the word girlfriend.  We can argue and still be fine.  But in my effort to make things all good, I settle for just being brief on the email and acceptance of "im sorry, I'll make it up to you".  I guess i'm just afraid of letting it loose.  But is that kinda like a "bait and switch"?  

I mean remember what I went through with the Nigerian? One argument and he's all "I don't think we make sense together". 

But I need to have at least some expectation for someone who is choosing to be in my life regardless of the title.  But goodness I like him alot and I'm afraid that he will fall short of the expectations that maybe I shouldn't put on him in the first place.  I guess I am not as full of faith and optimism as I thought.

And I have no idea how to continue dating other people, but moving forward with someone else.  How to do that without feeling like a jezebel.  In other words,  a bird, in hand is worth two in the bush, but when you ain't got nobody in hand,  how do you maintain a bushful of birds?

In short, I have no idea what I'm doing.  And maybe thats okay...and I would like to be a girlfriend, but i'm pretty sure that will lessen my dating options.  Just joking, mostly.  The real question is do I want to be a girlfriend or do I want to be his girlfriend...I guess time will tell.  But patience isn't my best quality

Life of a Single Mother on Mother's Day

Weight: 147 lbs (shut it)
Drinks of choice: Jack Daniels Honey and Firefly Sweet tea vodka
Medication: none

I decided to pick up my blog on Mother's Day.  I am journaling about my day so far as I think some things have happened which illustrate nicely what its like to be a single, divorced mother on Mother's Day. It is sometimes hard and frustrating, but most times hilarious and wonderful.  Ok here goes

12:14 am:  Come home from a night with Beau.  There was an event we went to earlier.  A kind of nerd prom with food but no liquor.  But I brought my flask so it was okay.  Kids with Ms. Nike (the overnight sitter who has changed my social life;  don't think I ever blogged about her).

12:30 am Sitting and talking with beau, sippin a little something.  I like him.  Of all the random dudes that ogle my facebook photos, e-flirt, and proposition me, he is the one that follows up, that shows up, and man's up.  Honest to say what he wants and what he doesn't and who I am sure if he didn't want something I was offering, would tell me so.  Our conversation is easy. He knows The Nigerian.  that  made me nervous.  What I like about beau is his optimism, I didn't want The Nigerian's ardent pessimism and emotional laziness to rub off on him.  Thinking of that nearly gave me an anxiety attack.  But I texted brandi and she talked me down.  If he is that easily swayed I don't want beau anyway.  And its best that I just enjoy him now as he is.  worrying will just waste the time I'm with him, and I really don't want to do that.  Because I enjoy him, yes indeed I do.

1:00 am Um enjoying, enjoying or um, none of ur gosh darn business

2:00 am: sleeping and waking intermittently. Beau is very different from James Dean.  James Dean can and does sleep curled up in my arms or me in his. always touching, which is nice and I've learned to like.  Beau just wants to sleep. I can dig it . . .

7:00 am see 1:00 am

7:35 am off to pick up the kiddos.  Ms. Nike is a regular church goer and she goes to early service.  I don't want to burn any bridges!  Gotta get those kids. I promise to pay her on payday. She says "of course, that is fine"  Yes, must keep Ms. Nike happy.  Who else will babysit on credit?

8:00 am Driving back to the house.  I listen to the boys' recount their night.  Evidently there were video games and building houses involved.  I like that they like to go to the sitter.  It eases my guilt.

8:15 set the kids up with some snacks and the tv.  I'm still a little tired and want to get a couple hours of sleep.  Let's see if this works

8:45 am Justice says he forgot his video game in the car.  I give him the keys to unlock the van.  Damion Jr. comes to chastise me for letting Justice have the keys.  It's like he feels he is raising Justice with me.  Maybe he is.  Justice arrives back in the house with the video game and my keys.  Justice is becoming a big boy.  I point that out to Damion Jr.  He just shrugs . . .

9:08 am Deejay asks me to cut up the mangos that are in the refrigerator.  I told him to please let me wait until later.  I remind him that its mothers day and I should be able to sleep in.  He tells me he will be back.

9: 30 am Justice comes up and says he forgot the game card that goes in the video game in the van.  He wants to go get it.  I tell him its the last time i'm giving him my keys.  He goes and comes back without incident.

10:00 am:  Justice comes up and lays down in the bed with me. I can tell he's been eating candy.  His breath smells like chocolate.  He wants to take pictures with the phone.  It is confirmed he's been eating chocolate when I look at the picture we took... check the wide eyes

10:15 am:  Damion joins us (it's hard for me to keep putting the jr. but y'all don't know the sr. anyway, so just know when I say Damion I mean my son.  When I say asshole, I mean my ex-husband). Damion gets on my computer.  I ask if there's nothing on tv.  Damion says, well you're more fun.  Yeah right. . .Damion goes on some video game site, Justice continues to play his video game. They just want to be in my space and I'm cool with that.  I remember laying in my mothers bed, not doing anything, not wanting anything besides being in her space.  I drift off to a very shallow sleep . . .

10:43 am receive a text from Fred. He says he feels some kinda way about my facebook status.  I was reminiscing about my time with beau and was missing the feel of him during my nap.  Fred says that he is away and instead of sending a personal msg to him, I sent a status to all my random "snuggle partners"  Now he knows I'm a one woman gal, but I think that it is more comfortable for him to believe i'm just hanging around with a bunch of nobody's because he is away.  If he was ready or available or even said to me that he only wanted to be with me, this wouldn't be an issue.  But that is not the case.  I was thinking of beau and I wrote about him.  You snooze you lose, buddy. 

12:00 noon:  I wake up.  Can't legitimize being in the bed past noon.  Even on Mothers Day.  I get up.  I mow the backyard.  Fix food for the dog and let him outside.  I join the dog outside.  he is playing and I can tell he's bewildered at the fact the grass is cut.  He immediately goes behind the shed to do his business...he's so dainty that way.

12:30  poor some Jack Honey and commence social networking . . .

12: 52  Holly, my sister, facebook chats me.  She doesn't have her kids today.  Hannah is with the grandparents, Carly is with her father.  Yeah she rocks for having an ex-husband who actual visits and takes care of his child.  It's a shame my sons don't have that.  She says she's bored.  She doesn't have kids with her, but I do.  It's always the way.  Everytime I have  don't have kids, I also don't have plans.  It's the Jesus' plan to keep me all chaste and bored . . .

1:15 Holly says she's fitna get dressed and come over.  She evidently has something to tell me that is big and heavy.  "Well, " I said, "Come on over. You know I'm here . . ." 

2:35 pm:  Someone knocks at the door.  Its some kid wanting Damion to come outside.  When Damion goes out, they give each other "dap" or "a pound". Ugh I just... I can't . . .  Time flies like a mofo . . .

Be Good To Yourself

I had a good day today.




At work I was at my best. Modeled a lesson and cajoled a foundation. All in two hours.



Then I left and spent the day with a beautiful boy. May be my favorite post divorce. And knowing that I only wrote "may be" because sometimes in my heart of hearts behind my bravado and fabulous bod, I think all good things will eventually leave if they know I want it . . . I'm working on it.



And then stopping for Popeyes and at Jackies Liquors for chicken and a splurge on some nuvo. Eating dinner with the boys and the younger one asks, "what does that say" pointing at the picture in the dining room. I say, "it says Home Sweet Home". The older one says, "yes, home in DC" I ask him if living in laurel isn't sweet. He says, "actually its kind of sweeter." The little one says, "that's a funny word, "home". I said, "why is it a funny word." He says, "listen, hoMe...Hooooome...Hoooommmme." and then we all laugh because the way he is saying it is very funny indeed.



And now I am writing and in a second I will take a hot shower and watch American Idol wrapped in my favorite towel. over a year ago I wrote a note about all of my favorite things and vowing to spend my days spending more time doing things that I am good at and that I enjoy. I am glad that promise is one that I made good on.



Be good to yourself. You deserve it. It is necessary. It is your responsibility to you. Be present in the little moments. For it is those little moments that make up a lifetime and the ones you need to remember in the not so bright times...

Casual, Not Clumsy

134 lbs. (getting a little nervous that project fab thighs by August has gotten a bit out of control)
Jack and gingerale (new drink very tasty)

So as a newly single woman I have been hitting the dating scene. I have a few observations about human behavior that is just fascinating to me.

I remember when I was young I told myself I would never have sex before I got married. Then when I got into college I told myself I would never have sex unless that person was my boyfriend and I loved him. Later into my college years, I decided that I would only have sex in a relationship. Then my next to the last year of college I met my husband and that was that. No sex except for husband.

Now that I am divorced with two children, I've been trying to decide when is it the appropriate time to have sex. But the reality is when you have sex with someone you're giving them a piece of yourself and you can only hope they treat it well.

Let me explain.

The term "casual sex" comes up often. Most define it as sex without strings. Sex outside of a relationship. Most believe that women can't handle casual sex. But I believe its the opposite. Men often are so egotistical in their thinking. Their ego pushes them to push their sex partners away so the woman won't "catch feelings". Then the woman feels awful and used when the said pushing away starts happening. Then the men take the woman's anger as confirmation that women can't handle "casual sex". However, if one understands that when you have sex with someone you give a piece of yourself away, then the issue becomes clear.

Sex is intimate. Your partner sees you at your most vulnerable. You are naked literally and figuratively. Then it is over and they walk out with a little piece of you vicariously perched on their shoulder. The hope then becomes that they don't drop, destroy, or otherwise disrespect the little piece of you that they have. But you know men, they are maaad clumsy.

And the little thing you gave them is often mishandled, disrespected, and malnourished. Leaving you feeling so sad and embarrased and forlorn. But there are some men who understand, respect and take care. So as not to be clumsly and mishandle what they have been given.

I find people are so afraid of feelings. Afraid people will feel for them, afraid they will feel for others. It's really quite simple. You shouldn't be afraid of feelings. They are what make you human. And the honesty is the antidote to the fear of unrequited love. If you don't have the same feelings as the other person, tell them so. Be their friend. Be human. Remember you have something of theirs that is perched precariously on your shoulder. Don't be clumsy. Because however casual the sex is you are still giving a piece of yourself to another person and that should be respected. And I expect more from someone I have given that to. And though it is often these expectations that get me into trouble, it moves me to be discerning about who I choose to give a piece of myself to. So casual sex can only happen if I know what the other person is capable of. You have to trust them. However non-committal, sex means something and it shouldn't be treated clumsily.

Transformers and Chocolate Milk

As I lay here in the spot where you were, now left cold, I inhale the smell of of you. Your hair though untwisted, smells of somone's care. I feel like I've lived a lifetime more than you, yet I've never experienced a touch in the small of my back, fingertips in my roots, nor glimpses of me in someone else's eyes.

I want you to come back and maybe next time I'll show more of me....maybe....next time.

But for now, I will inhale you in the spot you left, now gone cold.

You just ran across my mind

129 lbs
no drinks
no pills
and eating with some sense

Just watched that video by Jill Scott. "Cross My Mind" and then you did, cross my mind that is. wondered what you were doing, how you were. Thought of texting but thought better of it. talking with you, hangin with you although infrequent, was so much fun...I used to picture us together. I haven't pictured me with anyone since. But I know thats not what you want or wanted, so I burned the bridge so I wouldn't hope anymore.

but you crossed my mind, and I hope that sometimes I cross yours.

My period is coming anyday, so I know this will pass. Its probably just hormones . . .

When Someone Shows You Who They Are . . .

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. I'm getting better at that as I get older.

I went out with this guy. We planned to meet up at the IHOP just to shoot the breeze. He ordered food, then stuck me with the bill. He apologized and said he would pay me back by the weekend. That never happened. Later he borrowed ten dollars and I haven't gotten that back yet either. So its funny that he's always talking about how people should be more giving. Now I kn0w its just so he can take more. Yes, I know who he is. I believe him. I could use that money right about now.

But of course he has good points. He has the cutest dimples, he is a musician, and has ridiculously awesome head game. But I know who he really is because he showed me.

The next one is dishonest. Not maliciously dishonest mind you. Just youth driven dishonest for no reason. Silly little things like broken dates, no phone call when he says he will call. Dumb stuff, but it tells me something. Once we made plans to go out. He called after being 2 hours late saying he wasn't coming. Clearly he doesn't get that a mother of two has to make serious arrangements for a night out. So now I know never pay a sitter to go out with him, he's not reliable. Another time he was going out of town. I asked if this meant we wouldn't be able to go out friday. He said he would be back by friday. But I knew that he wouldn't be back in time. I didn't even plan on hearing from him and I wasn't disappointed. He gave me a call Saturday saying he'd call Sunday for us to hook up. I didn't even let him know that I would have the kids on Sunday, because I knew he wouldn't call. And he didn't.

But when we did hang out that time, he was so funny and I felt so comfortable with him. And he touched my hair and feet, which drove me half crazy. But I am not going to bet the farm on anything he says because he showed me who he is and I believe him.

So the things I need in a mate

• a friend, like a homey that is cool enough to kick it with my peeps and me to kick it with his
• someone who loves me for me, who lets me show who I am and loves me because of and in spite of what is seen
• someone who is creative
• someone who is honest and tells me what I need to know despite the consequences.

My parents have been married for 41 years, they have showed each other who they are and chose to stay and build a life together. After 41 years they are there for each other. A couple of weeks ago, my mom came down the stairs with hickeys on her neck. (hee hee) Her leaning into me and saying, "uh-huh girl, he's back!" When people say marriage doesn't work or is unnatural for people to live their lives together, I reject that. Marriage doesn't work because when people show them who they are, they don't believe them.

In general people lack the bravery to show their real selves and say accept me as I am or don't. And others see what they want to see instead of what is . . .

Love shouldn't be blind. Love can only exist with 20/20 vision.

When the dark purple falls. . .

124.5
20mg Lexapro (up from 10mg)
Shrimp Scamp
2 grown half and halfs (sweet tea vodka/lemonade)

My weight had gone up to 128.5. I was excited until I weighed myself again and it was gone. Must have been the monthly bloat.

Now that I'm coming out of my anxiety ridden/depressive fog, I realize that I am super behind at work and have no real prospects for a job next year. There are major cut backs at work and I don't think my performance as sped guru has warranted staying here in that capapcity. Moreover, I promised myself to find a job which highlights my strengths. I have a few leads but nothing solid, which makes me uneasy.

My divorce court date is May 12th. After that, I will be an official free woman. Mixed emotions... Now that it is finally here it has made me nostalgic about my past, and makes me realize this isn't at all how I pictured my life to turn out. 36, 2 children, no property, pushing a 96 Lincoln. But I am at least hopeful that what I do have, I can maintain BY MYSELF. I am anxious about his behavior at court. I hope he doesn't cry or anything . . .

I am dating again. I tried to relegate the dude to just the physical but he persists. I realize that I am afraid to let it be anymore than that because I am trying to avoid rejection. For someone as confident as I am, I am discovering parts of me that are still so insecure and damaged from my marriage, my past relationships, and general kicks in the shins that life sometimes hands out.

Last night I was feeling pretty low. Job mainly, but also some memories I had been trying to fight back. I reached for my phone to text someone. (That's my M.O. reaching out so I don't have to spend time with sadness). But I decided not to. "No one is thinking of me," I thought. "I'm not going to bother anybody." I put the phone down, turned on my side, and began to cry. Just a little. "No one is thinking of me," more tears came down. The phone buzzed. A text.

"Whats on your mind"
"Alot"
"I could tell by fb status, tweets. . ."
"thats what I do. Hesitant to talk but will put out a fb status or tweet in a minute"
"We'll talk soon"
"Thank you for thinking of me"
"Always do . . ."

I still cried last night. But I felt better to be thought of. But the thought I will begin to depend on such communciation scares me. The prospects of learning to open myself up to someone else again scares me even more. I know it is necessary to move on and even if he's not the one to open up to, I have to be brave. Be brave enough to heal . . .

Be brave little girl . . .