Transformers and Chocolate Milk

As I lay here in the spot where you were, now left cold, I inhale the smell of of you. Your hair though untwisted, smells of somone's care. I feel like I've lived a lifetime more than you, yet I've never experienced a touch in the small of my back, fingertips in my roots, nor glimpses of me in someone else's eyes.

I want you to come back and maybe next time I'll show more of me....maybe....next time.

But for now, I will inhale you in the spot you left, now gone cold.

You just ran across my mind

129 lbs
no drinks
no pills
and eating with some sense

Just watched that video by Jill Scott. "Cross My Mind" and then you did, cross my mind that is. wondered what you were doing, how you were. Thought of texting but thought better of it. talking with you, hangin with you although infrequent, was so much fun...I used to picture us together. I haven't pictured me with anyone since. But I know thats not what you want or wanted, so I burned the bridge so I wouldn't hope anymore.

but you crossed my mind, and I hope that sometimes I cross yours.

My period is coming anyday, so I know this will pass. Its probably just hormones . . .

When Someone Shows You Who They Are . . .

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. I'm getting better at that as I get older.

I went out with this guy. We planned to meet up at the IHOP just to shoot the breeze. He ordered food, then stuck me with the bill. He apologized and said he would pay me back by the weekend. That never happened. Later he borrowed ten dollars and I haven't gotten that back yet either. So its funny that he's always talking about how people should be more giving. Now I kn0w its just so he can take more. Yes, I know who he is. I believe him. I could use that money right about now.

But of course he has good points. He has the cutest dimples, he is a musician, and has ridiculously awesome head game. But I know who he really is because he showed me.

The next one is dishonest. Not maliciously dishonest mind you. Just youth driven dishonest for no reason. Silly little things like broken dates, no phone call when he says he will call. Dumb stuff, but it tells me something. Once we made plans to go out. He called after being 2 hours late saying he wasn't coming. Clearly he doesn't get that a mother of two has to make serious arrangements for a night out. So now I know never pay a sitter to go out with him, he's not reliable. Another time he was going out of town. I asked if this meant we wouldn't be able to go out friday. He said he would be back by friday. But I knew that he wouldn't be back in time. I didn't even plan on hearing from him and I wasn't disappointed. He gave me a call Saturday saying he'd call Sunday for us to hook up. I didn't even let him know that I would have the kids on Sunday, because I knew he wouldn't call. And he didn't.

But when we did hang out that time, he was so funny and I felt so comfortable with him. And he touched my hair and feet, which drove me half crazy. But I am not going to bet the farm on anything he says because he showed me who he is and I believe him.

So the things I need in a mate

• a friend, like a homey that is cool enough to kick it with my peeps and me to kick it with his
• someone who loves me for me, who lets me show who I am and loves me because of and in spite of what is seen
• someone who is creative
• someone who is honest and tells me what I need to know despite the consequences.

My parents have been married for 41 years, they have showed each other who they are and chose to stay and build a life together. After 41 years they are there for each other. A couple of weeks ago, my mom came down the stairs with hickeys on her neck. (hee hee) Her leaning into me and saying, "uh-huh girl, he's back!" When people say marriage doesn't work or is unnatural for people to live their lives together, I reject that. Marriage doesn't work because when people show them who they are, they don't believe them.

In general people lack the bravery to show their real selves and say accept me as I am or don't. And others see what they want to see instead of what is . . .

Love shouldn't be blind. Love can only exist with 20/20 vision.

Justice is four years old today

Justice's birthday is today. He is four years old. He is different than his brother. The story of how he came to be is also very different. I tried to get pregnant for two years straight. I got pregnant so quickly with DJ; I was shcoked that I didn't get pregnant as quickly. Every month I got my period, I would cry and cry and cry. It was like my dearest love was leaving me stranded day after day month after month. I was so impatient for him to come. I felt so alone and so empty.

We had just moved back to Bowie. Damion put in these really strong smelling plug-in air freshners. The smell was sickeningly sweet. So much so I actually got sick. I was sick for a few days. So much so I took a day off from my new job. On a whim, I took a pregnancy test. Finally after two years and three months I was pregnant. The ironic part of it is I had just gone to the ob-gyn to get more birth control pills because I was tired of having cramps and being disappointed every month. I also sensed that my marriage was not going to be resucitated by having another child. Well when you least expect it . . .

I had an awful fight with Damion when I was 8 months pregnant. He broke things. I had to run from him. I cried so hard capillaries burst in my face. It looked like I was covered in freckles . . .a black Peppermint Patty. More than ever I became impatient with waiting for Justice. I so wanted to meet him. Also he was getting awfully heavy and I looked like I was pregnant in my ass more than anything else . . .Anyway, I began to dilate early. I was having productive contractions but it was too early. The doctor told me to stay off my feet to slow things down. The problem was I had just started a new job and really couldn't afford to go on complete bed rest. So I went to work but stayed seated. It was a blast rolling down the hallway in my awesome rolling chair.

My doctor finally broke my water at 38 weeks. The birth was pretty straight forward. A few pushes and out he came. a little over 7 pounds. Justice and I met a little after midnight. He started breastfeeding right away and did so most of the night...greedy bugger.

Justice has been a different challenge than DJ was. While DJ was a healthy baby, Justice had frequent colds, fevers and ear infections. He lost hearing for a period of time before he got the tubes put in which delayed his speech a bit. Justice looks like me but has a temper like his father. So strongwilled. DJ is a mama's boy, but Justice is a fiercely independent kid who gravitates towards his father. I feel like I just got to understand him over the past year. He has developed quite the personality. He loves his brother so much. He repeats everything he says. Once DJ got punished for something and was crying. Then Justice began crying. I said, "Hey what's wrong. Why are YOU crying?" Without missing a beat he said, "because DJ is my very best friend."

Justice loves bread, ravioli, chicken nuggets, and pizza. He loves Mario Bros. He plays Luigi and loves to wear denim overalls. Justice is enamored with his mommy. He loves to play in my dreds and make them cover his face. Justice is naughty. He currently loves to say "poo poo" and "pee pee" and thinks its hilarious. Justice makes up knock-knock jokes. They are not funny. He has a rich imagination and prefers playing with his brother or by himself happily. Justice loves music. He loves Regina Carter's Pavane. He loves jazz. He makes up nonsense words to wordless saxophone compositions. He said that sometimes the music sounds so sad. He also loves soca and likes to shake his "bumpa" to the music. If you say whine down low, he will reply, "whine down so". When Justice speaks he has an accent I can't quite place...

Justice is my baby. My independent, naughty, musical, genius baby. He is brilliant. He knows al his letters and his numbers. But it is more important to me that he knows that his brother is his very best friend, that music sometimes sounds sad, and fun is still fun if there is only one. Justice is my strong, loud complement to the older, pacifist funny man. I waited for Justice for 2 years. He is four years old today.

When the dark purple falls. . .

124.5
20mg Lexapro (up from 10mg)
Shrimp Scamp
2 grown half and halfs (sweet tea vodka/lemonade)

My weight had gone up to 128.5. I was excited until I weighed myself again and it was gone. Must have been the monthly bloat.

Now that I'm coming out of my anxiety ridden/depressive fog, I realize that I am super behind at work and have no real prospects for a job next year. There are major cut backs at work and I don't think my performance as sped guru has warranted staying here in that capapcity. Moreover, I promised myself to find a job which highlights my strengths. I have a few leads but nothing solid, which makes me uneasy.

My divorce court date is May 12th. After that, I will be an official free woman. Mixed emotions... Now that it is finally here it has made me nostalgic about my past, and makes me realize this isn't at all how I pictured my life to turn out. 36, 2 children, no property, pushing a 96 Lincoln. But I am at least hopeful that what I do have, I can maintain BY MYSELF. I am anxious about his behavior at court. I hope he doesn't cry or anything . . .

I am dating again. I tried to relegate the dude to just the physical but he persists. I realize that I am afraid to let it be anymore than that because I am trying to avoid rejection. For someone as confident as I am, I am discovering parts of me that are still so insecure and damaged from my marriage, my past relationships, and general kicks in the shins that life sometimes hands out.

Last night I was feeling pretty low. Job mainly, but also some memories I had been trying to fight back. I reached for my phone to text someone. (That's my M.O. reaching out so I don't have to spend time with sadness). But I decided not to. "No one is thinking of me," I thought. "I'm not going to bother anybody." I put the phone down, turned on my side, and began to cry. Just a little. "No one is thinking of me," more tears came down. The phone buzzed. A text.

"Whats on your mind"
"Alot"
"I could tell by fb status, tweets. . ."
"thats what I do. Hesitant to talk but will put out a fb status or tweet in a minute"
"We'll talk soon"
"Thank you for thinking of me"
"Always do . . ."

I still cried last night. But I felt better to be thought of. But the thought I will begin to depend on such communciation scares me. The prospects of learning to open myself up to someone else again scares me even more. I know it is necessary to move on and even if he's not the one to open up to, I have to be brave. Be brave enough to heal . . .

Be brave little girl . . .

The Attack

128.5 lbs
Firefly Sweet tea Vodka
burger king (boo)

I had an anxiety attack today. Funny it happened just moments after I decided not to get my prescription refilled. I guess I'll get it filled tomorrow.

Driving home from Target. Now that I am far from work I'm getting home an hour later than I'm used to. Today I stopped at target for some things, then the liquor store (where I found firefly) and then at burger king for dinner (chik fil a line was to darn long). Justice was screaming, DJ was yelling at Justice, Justice not in his seat belt. I kept yelling at him to sit back and put his seat belt back on. He kept yelling for more french fries...The rain and me trying to hurry home. Thinking about the dog and DJ's homework that still wasn't done. Then it happened the boom boom boom. It started the palpitations, the dizziness, the awful sinking feeling...

A bit scary happening while I was driving. It was gone in less than 10 minutes. I took my last lexapro in the sample pack that he had given me to tide me over till i filled the prescription. I'm disappointed that I will need to take medication for this. I don't like feeling that I am not in control of my own behavior. Disappointing . . .

My anxiety attacks feel like thishttp://www.facebook.com/note.php?created&&suggest&note_id=85876390916

finally

no food indulgences
124 lbs.
pear vodka cranberry

It didn't happen when I moved.
It didn't happen when I lugged the furniture in the flat basket at Ikea
Not when a stranger helped me tie the new furniture to the car and had to lug it in all by myself and pulled my back out. Not when i thought about putting together all this crap by myself.
Not when I came home to a disaster area because the dog had gotten out of his crate and strewn trash all over the new apartment.

When I watched Clean House, The messiest home in the country #2, thats when it happened.

The tears came.

2 summers ago. when i was a not so happily married woman. We took the kids to Ocean City, our annual trip. We stayed at a pretty nice resort. We watched The messiest home in the country # 1. Seeing the second show, triggered the memories. Us as a family, us spending time together. Us. The Codringtons. Mother, Father, children.

We are not that anymore, and I miss it. The family part. What I always wanted. what I grew up with. I don't have that anymore. I miss it and it makes me sad.

tears. never cried over the lack of him. I still am not missing him in particular. I'm missing family. the tears are ok. they are important. Important that I am feeling this right now, because I tend to get over involved with the nonsense and the faux drama of the world. This thing that I'm feeling now, this pulling at my chest and downturn of my mouth, this is important and I don't mind feeling it. I've never really mourned . . .