On Divorce and Dating

So she told me, “he just got divorced and is dating…heavily.” 

My sister says that probably means he has the “herps”. (yes, I spelled it like she said it).  But I know the deal.  When you get divorced you feel like you must date the whole world to confirm you are not a failure.  See look how attractive I am, people think I’m fun, people want to have sex with me.  So I decided I would let him alone. Well mostly. I am a flirter so, yeah.  We had an awkward conversation once at a party. I couldn’t shake the words, “he probably has the herps.” out of my mind.  Thanks alot darling sister…

When I dated the other and he ran for the 2nd time, I realized this “herps” is a real thing.  This I am super scared and I’m gonna date and sex myself whole again.  I’m gonna protect my feelings at all cost just in case this one means to burn my feelings already turned raw. I will protect myself from you at all cost.  Wrap myself in insecurity and dare you to try to love me through it.  This is my new definition of the herps.  

And as falsely brave you are it just keeps coming back.  It comes back because you want it to.  Because it is important.  Sometimes you need yourself protected.  You don’t want the heaviness that “relationships” or “caring” brings. Sometimes you just aren’t strong enough or ready enough.

Sometimes you want them to get so wrapped up in your perfectly shaped ass that they don’t go around looking for your heart.  (and by “you” I mean of course “me”) Which is just crazy talk, because what perfectly sane, perfectly whole person doesn’t want someone to search for their heart?

It just keeps coming back

It just keeps coming back until one day it doesn’t.   The one day when you find yourself looking for someone’s heart so intensely that you forget to stop hiding yours.  That’s when you’re free

A bird in hand can get pretty messy Or If I was your girlfriend

Weight: 145 lbs. (I really need to start doing something if this happiness continues)
Drinks:  Jack Honey, mmm good.
Food indulgences:  hmm, none, I swear . . .
Meds: none

So I blogged a while ago about my changing my last name back to Gray, but I have been thinking alot about the power of the title one is given by another.  I have heard many people say that a relationship is not dictated by a title.  "I don't need a piece of paper to say we're married", or "I don't need a piece of paper to say i'm divorced" (psshhh)  I have also heard many reasons not to post relationship status on facebook.  All of which I get, really I do.  However, I do believe that there is power in the title you give someone.

For example, the word wife, husband, boyfriend, boo, jump-off, side-chick, girl I see sometimes, BFF, etc all come with a certain amount of security and expectations that come along with it.  Let me explain my situation and perhaps someone can shed some light on the sitchiatshun:

I'm dating a guy.  He's cool. We hang. I like him alot.  I like him to the point that I have not seen other people and turned down dates so I can see him.  He is NOT my boyfriend.  I have been advised that I should just enjoy this for what it is and not to put any expectations on him.  Just let it be . . .and I"m trying really I am . . .

Last week I was going to see him.  Made plans and everything.  I get a text from my BFF (James Dean).  I of course say no, because I would rather see Darnell (aka beau, i think that names dumb so i've made up a new alias) and also because we have made tentative plans.  However, the plans fall through, I end up hanging alone, and James is now put off because this is the 2nd time i've not been open to him coming over.  So I'm pissed.  I have the right to be, because, come on dude we made plans and you are breaking them.  And as you might expect from my dating/marital history, breaking a word is something that I HATE!  but also, I am uncomfortable because we are just dating, he is not my boyfriend, and during this period I know that it should be "all good" and I should do what I can not to make a big stink about it.  I mean if we can't get along now . . .

And certain family members think its absolutely wrong for me to continue to see James (even though he is super cute and the coolest dude evah) because I know its not going anywhere and I know I am relegated to "girl I see sometimes" to him.  If I was Darnell's girlfriend, I wouldn't think twice about turning down James' offers.  But doing so, makes me feel like I'm being dumb.  Especially if Mr. fall asleep and break a date is still dating other people.  Moreover, if I was Darnell's girlfriend, I would feel more comfortable giving him the full wrath of my displeasure.  There is a security in the word girlfriend.  We can argue and still be fine.  But in my effort to make things all good, I settle for just being brief on the email and acceptance of "im sorry, I'll make it up to you".  I guess i'm just afraid of letting it loose.  But is that kinda like a "bait and switch"?  

I mean remember what I went through with the Nigerian? One argument and he's all "I don't think we make sense together". 

But I need to have at least some expectation for someone who is choosing to be in my life regardless of the title.  But goodness I like him alot and I'm afraid that he will fall short of the expectations that maybe I shouldn't put on him in the first place.  I guess I am not as full of faith and optimism as I thought.

And I have no idea how to continue dating other people, but moving forward with someone else.  How to do that without feeling like a jezebel.  In other words,  a bird, in hand is worth two in the bush, but when you ain't got nobody in hand,  how do you maintain a bushful of birds?

In short, I have no idea what I'm doing.  And maybe thats okay...and I would like to be a girlfriend, but i'm pretty sure that will lessen my dating options.  Just joking, mostly.  The real question is do I want to be a girlfriend or do I want to be his girlfriend...I guess time will tell.  But patience isn't my best quality